Here is a general account of the effect that Adam had in the aftermath of the attack I experienced.

I suffered from some memory block or repression around the specific events during the attack, which has prevented any cathartic work. All of the terror has remained locked up inside of me and I have felt stuck, afraid -- and victimized by everyday circumstances in that I have had flashbacks of sorts: everyday sights, sounds, anything (a particular noise in a restaurant, someone walking up behind me, etc.). Things that I was not consciously aware of would trigger the unconscious nightmare that would result in dissociative responses that polarized and terrorized me.

There seemed to be some quality of the Adam that broke down the repressive/defensive network and took me back into the experience of the attack that was too much for my psyche to bear. Over a period of eight to twelve months I was able to re-experience fragments of the attack, thereby re-creating and de-sensitizing me to the experience. During the Adam I moved in and out of the attack: being plunged into the horror, then moving into a transitional phase of regression, into what was reported to me to be an almost infantile state (for example, during my re-experience of the attack my hands were either immobilized or assumed protective movements; after the horror the hands would gradually switch to small, infantile movements). I was not conscious of this.

My experience seemed to alternate between these two phases, and at times I would "come around" with what was reported as an exceptional presence -- a vibrancy and change in color -- an expansive quality rather than a fearful, contracted quality, and with a beaming sort of aura. I felt expansive, physically exhausted, but full of love and a deep feeling of peace. It has seemed that the Adam has allowed me to move into the fragments of the attack, to re-experience what I have needed to re-experience, and to de-sensitize me to my surroundings. The dissociative episodes have ended, and I can now move through trauma and come out of it in an open, loving way rather than leaving me with more memory of assault.

I want to clarify one further point. I had no conscious choice about the first part of the trip, in which I relived the attack, even when I tried consciously to maintain contact with my sitter. I would lapse back into the event and eventually regain focused, conscious awareness. I would phase in and out of the attack five or six times within a three to five-hour period. It was most intense during the first two hours, when it was clear to those who were with me that I was horrified and in great pain. It was from these episodes that the event was reconstructed for use by the police. It was as though I had been transported into a trance-like state. I often did not remember what I had blurted out and this was later fed back to me for integration. Throughout this past year I have been experiencing violent nightmares, waking up soaking wet, not remembering much of the content, so that the nightmare state and the Adam state were somewhat similar.

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