Using visualizations, my husband felt he was really making progress with his liver cancer. The pain had diminished, and the swelling had gone down. He went cheerily for his next visit to the doctor. The oncologist showed him the CAT scan. He showed Dick that his tumor wasn’t better at all. It was progressing. Dick was crushed. and defeated.

Once he was home, he began to map out ways to kill himself. He know about electricity, so he talked of ways to connect wires. I thought it sounded horrible. I know that he very much feared loss of control - pain that he couldn’t cope with. He was a very proud man, and he couldn’t bear the thought of lying there, stripped of control and dignity. Because I had read about what happens to livers out of control, I was also afraid of swelling, pain, and jaundice for Dick. In his despair he consented to doing what he feared most in life - losing control with a drug: MDMA. But he was at the end of the line.

Taking the drug let him understand himself, so he was more accepting of what was happening. It was a healing. Not the way people usually talk of healing, either. It was a soul healing. On a practical level, MDMA gave me a tool, because I learned to hypnotize Dick easily. While he was in this suggestible state, he was conditioned to a simple wrist signal. After this grew familiar, I dispensed with even that. A simple suggestion was enough.

Dick had amazingly little pain with his cancer. Most pain came from his stomach ulcers, which possibly had emerged from acute anxiety. A helpful friend brought over some marijuana, and Dick was able to eat, once his stomach was soothed. It was almost magical to see him "get the munchies," which I had only read about. When Dick lay dying in his own bed, he complained of a pain in his liver. All I did to help him was say that I was injecting Demerol (imaginary). His arm grew rosy, his body relaxed. He was in peace. I feel that priming him with MDMA made pain control and relief very easy. What makes non-narcotic help so appealing is that the patient is conscious and communicating with those he loves. That is so important for both patient and loved ones.

Dick had a beautiful death of acceptance and serenity. He died with the loving support of me and his son. It made a bond between us that sustained me through the heavy months that followed. Now that four years have passed, the pain is less, but my gratitude for giving Dick his MDMA is as strong and sharp as ever.