“I have worked with a lot of medicine on my healing journey. Dozens of ayahuasca ceremonies. Extensive experience with psilocybin, ketamine, kambo, and deep sessions with 5-MeO. While I’ve had some success in healing my traumas and emotional wounds, something still held on. Something I couldn’t let go of no matter how hard I tried.
The root of my daily suffering seems to be based in a dis-regulated nervous system. The fear and discomfort I carry feels like it was acquired at a young age, likely pre-verbal. An existential pain, of not being ok, of not being safe or good. Of being unworthy, and a burden. It manifests as a slight tension and holding in my body, a slight sense of vigilance and elevation, all of the time. I am totally functional in life, but it’s really hard for me to deeply relax, to feel joy and ease, and to feel completely safe in social situations. And I know I can’t handle living like this any longer.
I sat with Xxx and Xxxxx for their therapy protocol. Our overall session lasted almost 7 hours. We dosed 130mg of MDMA, and proceeded into talk therapy. I talked about my life story, my traumas, my fears and desires. 90 minutes in, we added an MDMA booster along with 1.5g of mushrooms. The discussion went deeper, and I felt safe opening up and sharing vulnerably. We then began the 5-MeO protocol, starting with the lowest dose vaporizer pen, and steadily working our way up. Bit by bit, my heart opened to the medicine, as we continued on the protocol.
Normally I have a strong somatic reaction to 5, tensing and shaking my body, and feeling some visceral discomfort. This time, I was completely willing to welcome it into my system. I’ve never felt so open to the medicine, even at the maximum doses, feeling it penetrate directly into my heart space and the pain that I held there.
I began having powerful emotional purges, crying the tears that I’d been holding on to my entire life. I felt the emotion deeply, accepted it fully, with compassion, and somehow knew that it was safe to let it go. I literally felt the energy move out of my system, being replaced with a powerful love for myself. “By my very existence on this earth I am worthy of love!”, I exclaimed. “I love myself so fucking much!”
It was the most penetrating experience I’ve ever had with 5, where I didn’t resist it, and didn’t have these massive somatic releases. The MDMA kept my heart open and I fully accepted it as it went deep into my core. It was by far the most profound and effective medicine experience I’d ever had.
As I write this, 2 weeks after our session, I sit here with the most regulated and free-flowing nervous system I’ve had in my life. There is a vastness in my heart that I hadn’t previously had access to, and I’ve been practicing affirmations to reprogram and fill that space with immense self-love. I am by no means “happy” at all times – there is still a fair amount of emotion moving through me. But, for once, it is moving, and I feel joy as I welcome it to move through me and out of me, without the tension, blockages, and negative self talk. I feel safe and open to feel and express it. In the space in between, I feel safe, curious, and excited to connect with other humans and this marvelous world.
In all of the work I’ve done on my healing journey, this is what I’d been looking for. This is it.
I am extremely grateful to Xxx and Xxxxx, both for this protocol and for their level of care and integrity in their work. It’s easy to feel the immense love they radiate as they share these gifts with the world.”