Winter 1995 Vol. 05, No. 3 Clinical Trials and Tribulations
Dear MAPS,
In 1984 I was a regular cocaine user (at least 3 times per week) and had experienced paranoid spells, tremors and continual craving during use. My first MDMA experience was in August of that year and continued on a semi-regular basis for years, meaning at least once every two months. The motivation to do deep introspective work while on MDMA became greater as time went on, especially around religious / spiritual themes. I prayed deeply during my trips for "deliverance" from my dependence / lack of control relative to cocaine. I noticed after the second year that my coke use had dropped markedly. By 1988-89 (January) I had stopped completely and have been clean for five years. From 1986-89 my MDMA use was sporadic as compared to 1984-85. I believe that a sincere desire to stop using coke was imperative, but also know that MDMA allowed me to source inner places of both unhappiness and power which were necessary in my recovery.
(The writer goes on to describe a uniquely spiritual moment that surfaced during a later MDMA session…)
During October 1992, I experienced a mystical vision while using MDMA. I had taken approximately 125 mg initially at about 7 p.m. and another 50-70 mg at around 9 p.m. I was on an open deck looking south on a moonlit night, about two hours after sunset, and saw cloud formations moving in a seemingly deliberate way – one from the east (a dark one) and the other from the west. In between I saw another cloud with a figure emerging from behind it. As I stared at this arrangement for about 5 minutes, the central formation took the form of my mother-in-law’s face. She looked concerned and scared as she looked at the dark formation. My mother-in-law was in a hospital in Charleston, SC dying of cancer. As the outside clouds moved closer together a large white arm reached from the westerly formation to envelope the cloud containing my mother-in-law’s image. My inner sense was that she was relieved of the tension and pain, that I sensed earlier. Within ten minutes the combined clouds created an aura around the moon. I learned several hours later that she had died at 6:00 p.m. I know that her spirit came before me that night.
Sincerely, S.J.